I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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