You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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