Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
