my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
