I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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