I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
