mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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