also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
