Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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