it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
