dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Randomize
