Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
