so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
