I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
