i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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