I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I think my fart just growled at me.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
