Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
