I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
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