I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize