i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
