I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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