So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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