No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
