Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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