girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
