You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Randomize
