No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
