Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
