I just pynch a tree in the face
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
