You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
