Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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