Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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