I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
