I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
