you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
