last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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