Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
my shit smells like andre
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
