Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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