i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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