My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize