he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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