i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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