I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
