i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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