It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
