he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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