The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
