Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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