Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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