I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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