I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
