Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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