Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
