i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
