Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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