He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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