rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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