I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Girls should come with a carfax report
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
