i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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