I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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