Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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