so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize