My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
